Top 10 Things We Hated About The Last Jedi

• Written by Cleveland Oakes, December 21st, 2017, at 9:17 a.m. Tweet to @Oakes945

A good movie should stand on its own merit. Vanity Fair, The New York Times, and the Washington Post shouldn’t have to convince you that you really liked it. The Last Jedi has been the most polarizing Star Wars film since the loathed prequels. Critics have heralded the movie as the second coming. However, fan reaction has been overwhelmingly lukewarm.

SPOILERS AHEAD

After some debate between those of us that loved the film and those of us that were disappointed; these are the top ten things, we can all agree that we hated.

10. The Porgs

Since the legendary Ewoks first graced the movies in Return of the Jedi, Star Wars has constantly been in search of that new toy the kids and adults will love. Enter the Porgs. The Porgs were intended to be the next big thing. But like so many elements of this film they missed the mark. Painfully and obviously sentient it just didn’t make sense that Chewbacca would murder a Porg and eat it in front of the poor guys family. This was a moment that fell flat. Thank god the Porgs didn’t play a pivotal role in the film. None of us thought we could bare them for a moment longer.

9. Rose and Finn’s Side Mission

Most of The Last Jedi centered on Finn and Rose’s side mission to find a code breaker to sabotage the tracking device on the First Order’s lead ship. What could have been an interesting love story or a whacky caper turned out to be nothing but one giant McGuffin.

Poe’s ill-conceived plan led to a disastrous failure and the near total destruction of the entire Rebel Fleet. Honestly, this whole middle section of the film was just poorly conceived. If General Organa and Admiral Holdo had a plan to save the fleet, why not just share it with Poe in the first place?

The level of miscommunication and poor planning was like something out of a poorly written 80’s sitcom. With their rogue mission leading much to the total annihilation of the rebels why would Rose and Finn be welcomed back as heroes with only a minor reprimand?

8. Welcome to Canto Bight the most boring Casino in the Galaxy

Speaking of that side mission, Canto Bight was a complete snoozefest. What could have been an opportunity for some Jabba the Hut style danger was replaced with a bright and opulent sanitized version of the cantina at Mos Eisley.

This possibly dangerous side mission was played entirely for laughs. There was never any real tension or stakes. Just another Deus Ex-Machina to introduce a later plot point in the film. And like we already mentioned this entire mission turned out to be a waste of time. So why waste ours exploring this boring backdrop?

7. Star Wars Battlestar Galactica Edition

So maybe we missed that 30 minutes in The Force Awakens where the Resistance was wiped out after destroying Starkiller base.

Oh, that never happened you say? Yeah, we didn’t think so either. Because at the end of The Force Awakens it was pretty much The First Order that took some devastating loses and the Resistance was all nice and safe on their base.

It was only the Republic that was wiped out. Guess we all saw a different movie than Rian Johnson.

In the space of a few hours, the Galactic Resistance ends up being a patchwork of a few dozen ships embroiled in a low-speed chase being hunted down. That was pretty much the entire premise of Battlestar Galactica. Rian maybe you should work on that reboot and leave your Star Wars trilogy idea alone. Which leads to our next point.

6. The Last Jedi was a Standalone Movie

Riddle me this. “When is a sequel not a sequel. And a trilogy, not a trilogy?” Answer when Rian Johnson directs a Star Wars movie.

While its fine to throw convention on its head and move in an unexpected direction The Last Jedi takes this to new heights. Established through lines, characters arcs, character personalities, are thrown out of the window to go in a bold yet strange direction.

The movie didn’t even end on a cliffhanger. It’s like Rian Johnson decided to literally make his own movie, his way. Well, that’s actually is what he did.

What’s amazing is how this hackneyed script got past anyone at the Studio. Whats even more amazing is Disney fired Colin Trevorrow from episode IX because they disapproved of the direction he wanted to go in. The Last Jedi  movie didn’t end on a cliffhanger! For the first time since the prequels, many of us actually aren’t in a hurry to see Episode IX.

5. The Movie was way too Meta

After being called a whiny Darth Vadar fanboy by Snoke, Kylo Ren, smashed his helmet.

When Luke reunited with Leia he said, “Wow you changed your hair.”

Later when Luke was reluctant to help Rey, R2-D2 replayed Leia’s old plea for help to Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Later in the film when Rey asked Luke for help he pretty much said, “Hey I’m just a guy with a laser sword versus an entire army.”

Once again it’s cute to be self-deprecating and point out fan jokes at times. Deadpool broke the 4th wall from beginning to end but Johnson was hitting us over the head with reference after reference this was not your dad’s Star Wars.

By the way, when Luke rescued Han from the clutches of Jabba the Hut. He was just one guy with a laser sword against an entire an army.

4. Too Many Jokes

This was one we had a hard time with. Many of us enjoyed the lighter whimsical nature of the movie. I personally enjoyed the humor.

Yet sometimes the jokes went too far or were just odd. Why would Luke just take his father’s lightsaber and just toss it away so glibly? As we mentioned earlier Chewbacca eating a Porg as the dead bird’s family looked on was just weird.

BB-8 had some fun moments. I thought it was cute that off camera he was able to tie up and subdue an entire squad of guards. Nevertheless, some of the other fellas found that too unbelievable.

I did enjoy the “Your Mama” jokes that Poe ran on General Hux. But for many others that intro section was just grown inducing banter.

Luke became a cranky old man drinking raw milk directly from the teet of an alien.

Hux was reduced to a straight man in an ensemble comedy. Which brings us too.

3. Wasted Characters

General Hux reduced to a bumbling straight man. Kylo Ren becomes slightly less whiny but still superficial. Captain Phasma utters a few lines of dialogue before being unceremoniously dumped into a flaming explosion after 10 minutes of screentime. Admiral Ackbar unceremoniously killed in the vacuum of space as an aside.

And the biggest mystery that fans have been waiting on with bated breath for years. Who are Rey’s parents? Well, it turns out Rey was nobody. An orphaned child of two drunks who sold her off to slavers for booze. And that reveal was made during an aside “blink and you missed it in the moment.” By the way we still don’t know her last name.

The movie is being praised for Rian Johnson’s bold decision to jettison the old.”Let it die” the defenders keep quoting. Which I’m cool with if it was well written.

However, the original Knights of the Old Republic video game blew away many preconceived expectations of the Sith and the Jedi. The true natures of the light and dark sides of the Force. The perceptions of good and evil.

Unlike Knights of the Old Republic which also asked gamers to think of the Jedi and the Sith in a different way, Johnson never introduced fully formed new ideas or characters.

Rian, bro, we totally get it. You wanted to too put your own stamp on things. But you totally neutered the story, the characters, and the future of the franchise. Good luck to JJ Abrams to fix the mess you left behind.

2. Snoke Dies in the Middle

Listen fans aren’t upset that Snoke died. We honestly actually thought it was a shocking twist that Snoke died so suddenly. The problem is we don’t know who Snoke was. Why he hated Luke so much. How he came to power. Or how he turned Ben Solo to the Darkside. And you know what? We never will.

1. Old Man Luke

Look it’s a fact of life that people get old and they change. Maybe lose their patience. Or some pep in their step.

However, heroes that save the galaxy and who have walked through hell and high water to get there and back;  well those things don’t change.

We’ve noted that many critics have defended the movie as a deconstruction of Star Wars.  We admit that’s what Rian was going for. But he didn’t quite stick the landing.

Logan was a dark somber movie. In which, Wolverine, Professor X, and the X-Men met the worst fates imaginable. But fans enjoyed the movie. Becuase even though Logan was old and dying, he continued to do what he always does best. Care for the weak and downtrodden and be an unselfish hero. Even more importantly Logan was a well-written movie.

Speaking of successful deconstructions; we hold up Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow, The Dark Knight Returns, Unforgiven, and Watchmen as excellent examples of that style.

Luke was a selfish cranky old man. That sent himself into exile because he failed his spoiled nephew. He became a guy who wouldn’t come saves his sister. Nor seek revenge for the death of Han Solo. And then dies, not in a real fight but as a trick because basically, his ass was too lazy to travel with Rey across the Galaxy to save her friends in the first place.

Honestly, this was the worst death ever since James T. Kirk died, being shot in the back.

Well, that’s our rant. What are your thoughts? We’d like to hear.