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Details released for Smithsonian magazine 4th annual The Future is Here Festival

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By William Chandler, 4/8/2016 at 3:55 p.m.


 

WILLIAM SHATNER, CHRIS CARTER, SYFY’S 12 MONKEYS

HEADLINE SMITHSONIAN MAGAZINE’S THE FUTURE IS HERE FESTIVAL™ 

Fanboy Favorites From Star Trek, The X-Files & Syfy Hit Series Own the Friday Night Spotlight

During Fourth Annual Event Coming April 22-24 in Washington D.C.

Weekend Panels Feature “Deadpool” Director Tim Miller, “The Martian” Author Andy Weir

Washington, D.C. — April 8, 2016 – Fanboy favorites from Star Trek star William Shatner and The X-Files creator Chris Carter to Syfy’s hit series 12 Monkeys and Deadpool director Tim Miller are squarely in the spotlight for Smithsonian magazine’s fourth annual The Future Is Here Festival™, a three-day event highlighting the most advanced thinking in science, technology, space, art and engineering from a dazzling array of experts, visionaries and noted science-lovers.

The Festival kicks off on Friday, April 22nd at the Shakespeare Theatre’s Sidney Harman Hall with an exclusive ticketed evening event featuring Shatner, in celebration of the 50th anniversary of Star Trek; a conversation with Carter, fresh off the triumphant return of The X-Files to television; and an exclusive glimpse into the thrilling second season of Syfy’s hit series 12 Monkeys (premieres April 18) with special advance footage presented by stars Aaron Stanford and Amanda Schull and executive producer Terry Matalas.

USA TODAY entertainment writer Brian Truitt will conduct the conversation with Carter, and renowned astronomer/author Phil Plait will moderate the 12 Monkeys panel.

Tickets for this exclusive Friday night event can be purchased at https://www.eventbrite.com/e/smithsonian-magazines-2016-the-future-is-here-festivaltm-registration-21495104436.

Programming for Saturday and Sunday includes appearances by Deadpool director Tim Miller, The Martian author Andy Weir, explorers Céline & Alexandra Cousteau, noted science fiction author Bruce Sterling, leading NASA scientists and a profound list of visionary speakers and presenters, offering the audience an eye-opening look into the future. Among the entertaining events on the weekend slate is an electrifying concert by Tesla Coils band Arc Attack, and a performance of mind-bending techno tricks by Marco Tempest, the world’s leading cyber illusionist.

The Future Is Here Festival convenes the world’s leading experts in science and technology, including:

  • Vint Cerf – Vice President and Chief Internet Evangelist for Google, one of the “fathers of the internet”
  • Alexandra Cousteau – Explorer, storyteller, environmental advocate
  • Céline S. Cousteau – Explorer, Founder & Executive Director, CauseCentric Productions
  • Frans de Waal – Professor of Primate Behavior at Emory University & Author, Are We Smart Enough to Know How Smart Animals Are?
  • Anthony Fauci – America’s point man on epidemics, Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, National Institute of Health
  • Kirk Johnson – Director of the National Museum of Natural History
  • Nicholas Negroponte – Co-founder of the MIT Media Lab, Founder of One Laptop Per Child Project
  • Rebecca Newberger Goldstein – Philosopher & Author, Plato at the Googleplex: Why Philosophy Won’t Go Away
  • Dava Newman –Deputy Administrator of NASA
  • Fiona Raby, Professor of Design and Emerging Technology at Parsons
  • Martine Rothblatt – Transhumanist and Founder of Sirius Radio, Geostar and United Therapeutics
  • Sara Seager – Planetary Scientist and Astrophysicist
  • Seth Shostak – Director of Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence (SETI)
  • Adam Steltzner – NASA Engineer/Mars Rover, Author, The Right Kind of Crazy
  • Bruce Sterling – Science Fiction Author
  • Marco Tempest — Cyber Illusionist
  • Andy Weir – Author of The Martian (via Skype)

Additional speakers/programming will be announced as confirmed.

The Future Is Here Festival™, an exciting and mind-expanding live event taking place April 22-24 in Washington, D.C., is accompanied by Smithsonian’s May “Future” issue, which hits newsstands April 26th, bringing the excitement of The Future Is Here Festival™ to 6.8 million readers and 5 million digital viewers across the country and around the world.

The Festival’s returning presenting sponsor is Lockheed Martin Corporation, and this year’s automotive sponsor is Toyota Prius. The Festival is presented with participation from NASA. The “Think Big” series is supported by the John Templeton Foundation. Media partners include Air & Space Smithsonian magazine, The Washington Post and the leading technology and science fiction websites Gizmodo and io9.

Remembering Faces of Death

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Remembering Faces of Death

4/8/2016 at 3:35 p.m.


 

So, I was watching this Top Ten List  last night and I found myself feeling uneasy.  It isn’t the most graphic or gruesome deaths that are on the interwebs these days, but there was something more viserceal about this.  I heard the stuntman screaming into his helmet when his grip released and he fell to his death.  There was no doubting the authenticity.  This was the unmistakable peal of another human being as he acknowdlges his life is about to come an instantaneous and violent death.  This was no ‘Wilhelm scream’,  it was the real deal.

 

I didn’t have a warm fuzzy after viewing this.  It was the opposite, and left me thinking, “Why the fuck did I just watch this?” More over, there was a vaguely familiar sensation that I couldn’t quite pinpoint somewhere in the pit of my stomach.   Later, in the shower of course; where one gets all the best ideas, I honed in on where I felt this gut instinct before.  Jump in a time machine, and lets go back to 80s and the Faces of Death films.

Mom and pop video rental stores were the absolute shit.  I could spend hours in the store wandering around each aisle and looking at every single box cover.  The stores were divided into sections based on interest, and all of the new releases would be grouped together as well. There was also a room in the back of the store that was restricted and it seemed only old men went in and out from under the black cloth that concealed it’s contents.   As a young boy, I was most intrigued by the box covers on the horror and action films.  They looked the coolest.  Then I saw something that stood out…

Faces of Death IV box cover.

Sure, not that much different from many of the 80s horror VHS boxes, but take a closer look at the red warning label.

Warning: If the brutal and explicit depiction of actual death is upsetting to you, please do not view these programs.

Ok, that pretty much guaranteed two things…. 1.  I absolutely had to rent this movie*.   ….and 2.  There was no way in hell my parents were going to let that happen.  It would take a few years of scheming and planning to get that accomplished.   It would require access to a VCR, absence of parental supervision, and a video store clerk who would willingly rent a graphic horror documentary to an underage patron.   It’s all kind of humorous to think about now in the day and age of video on demand.

* ‘Renting a movie’, meant you paid a few dollars to borrow the movie and then you had to return it to the store. Leave comments about getting hit with ‘rewind fees’ below.

Eventually all the planned puzzle pieces were in place, and I popped the VHS cassette in, settled down into my bean bag chair and prepared to watch Faces of Death IV.  I didn’t know what to expected, but I expected my young mind to be totally blown.  Right off the bat I knew something was up.  These deaths were fake.  I had been duped!  The video wasn’t showing actual scenes of death, but reenactments.  WTF!?

But wait,  the footage suddenly became unpolished.  Gritty looking street cops and overweight paramedics were ‘bagging and tagging‘ dead bodies on the subways and river fronts.  Brain matter was oozing out of a demolished skull from a suicide jumper who landed on a luxury car.  It was at night and adverse weather conditions crept in.  This wasn’t fake at all.  These videos were graphic aftermaths from actual deaths, and even at the dawn of cable TV you didn’t see stuff like this.

Mind blown.  Holy fucking shit.  That’s what Faces of Death looks like.

It’s almost impossible to believe that there would be a time when almost everyone would carry around a mini portable video camera.   Even in the 80s, when home video recording equipment was just becoming mainstream, these shocking videos were few and far between.   Now, with the advent of mobile technology, we are overwhelmed with non stop video literally shared within seconds of a tragic event happening.   I don’t need to list them here, you know which ones you’ve looked at.

Looking back at the Faces of Death, some of the skits are actually pretty damn funny, like Alligator vs. Man.

Or mutated giant blood sucking leeches…

 

But the one scene I remember most was the suicide of Robert Budd Dwyer.   He was an American politician in the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania. He served from 1971 to 1981 as a Republican member of the Pennsylvania State Senate representing the state’s 50th district. He served as the 30th Treasurer of Pennsylvania from January 20, 1981 to January 22, 1987. On that day, Dwyer called a news conference in the Pennsylvania state capital of Harrisburg where he killed himself in front of the gathered reporters with a .357 caliber revolver. Dwyer’s suicide was broadcast later that day to a wide television audience across the state of Pennsylvania.

Warning: Extremely Graphic

 


Without waxing nostalgic about ‘the good ol’ days’, Faces of Death represents a transitional time in our culture.  Especially the the later volumes released in 90s, when a sanitized or censored version of the world was quickly disappearing.  (Girls Gone Wild infomercials anyone?) These controversial films have been shared and discussed around the world, and many countries even banned them.  Now, nearly four decades later they are freely available in their entirety at the click of button.  Does material that seemed shocking back then even phase the junior high students now?   The answer is simply, yes.  If the sight of R. Budd Dwyer splattering his brains out with a .357 magnum on live television doesn’t send even the slightest twinge into your neck, then I fear for what level shock value that generations that follow will need to sustain their interest.

Jeepers Creepers

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Jeepers Creepers

Written by James Garibay, April 8, 2016, at 3:00 a.m.


 

Simply put, Jeepers Creepers is a campfire tale. It’s a very simple story: a brother and sister going home driving down an old country road, and suddenly a monster is after them. It’s totally a riff of Hanzel and Gretel. Written and directed by Victor Salva, it gives a modern day twist on urban legends.

Jeepers Creepers is a fun ride!

The main characters are Tricia and Darry Jenner, played by Gina Philips and Justin Long. The film gets to the excitement within five minutes, so the two characters needed to be developed quickly. Which they pull off very well. Darry is this kind of dorky, go-with-the-flow kind of guy while Tricia is the ballsy, take-no-shit, tough girl. But beneath their brother-sister bickering, you see love and concern when danger lurks.

The casting had to be done well because 3/4 of the movie is the two of them in the car trying to escape the Creeper. The two have more of emotional character arc than anything. When Long sees that horrible basement, he comes back to the car looking like a lost terrified little boy. He played the role so well alongside Philips.

It was shot in central Florida over two months with some days between 90-100 degrees. So the opening introduction scene, no make-up needed, Justin and Gina were really sweating their balls off. Salva was very surprised to shoot in Florida because when he thinks “Florida” he imagined palm trees everywhere and beaches. So when they went to central, he found that it had that back country road feel without all the corn of the Midwest.

It had a $17 million budget, or so I read, but it still had that low-budget feel. I love that because low-budget films tend to put more emphasis on story and characters, and are not all flash, bam!! Shooting in the middle of Florida, it was very bright and beautiful. So they have to tone down the colors to give the creepy vibe of the tale that is being told, which I didn’t know you could do.

The music had a lot to do with giving that uneasy, chill-down-your-spine feeling to the audience. Even the sound effects. For the main scoring, a full orchestra was used. There is just so much more you can feel with an orchestra. As the film escalates and stakes get higher, the music really does heighten the terror factor. The power of this kind of music in a horror film is just awesome. It was composed by Bennett Salvay. The sound effects have that classic “what we don’t see” motif. We know what is happening, but we can’t see it, letting our mind picture it so much more grotesque.

The make-up effects were good. Salva helped create a monster that is older than time. We don’t know where it comes from or what it is. We just know it’s been killing for centuries and is very skilled and artsy in very dark way that would make Ed Gein blush. They don’t show the Creeper a whole lot until towards the end. They just show a dark figure with a hat to shadow his face, making his ultimate reveal that much greater. The creeper is played by Jonathan Breck, who had to sit in make up for four hours. He had no trouble getting into character. When he looked in the mirror and saw that face looking back at him, he was there.

Conclusion

I had a fun ride with Jeepers Creepers. It was simple, had this Hitchcock feel about it. The plot was intriguing, and the characters were great to watch. They had such an emotional arc that they had to portray through the fear. Salva says that there is “emotional truth in fear,” and Phillips and Long portray it wonderfully. A lot of people don’t really care for it, but fuck it. It was kind of under rated, but sometimes those movies are the most fun. Salva made a sequel in 2003, where we learn a little more about the creeper, not much, but a little. Now supposedly there is finally a green light for a Jeepers Creepers 3. Hopefully it will still be as fun as the first one.

New images and trailer from Justice League vs. Teen Titans

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New images and trailer from Justice League vs. Teen Titans

4/7/2016 @ 9:25 p.m.


Warner Bros. Home Entertainment released new images from the upcoming ‘Justice League vs. Teen Titans’.  Fans of comic book or graphic novels have been treated with more high quality adaptions of their favorite heroes over the past years.  They are well made films and stay true to the genre.  While their budgets pale in comparison to the mega comic book films like… (since this is a DC universe piece)  Batman v. Superman, Man of Steel, etc the animated films still have extremely high production value.  Compelling writing, spot on foley, and lush musical scores are the norm.  Below are a few exclusive stills and new trailer obtained by Slickster Magazine.

Justice League vs. Teen Titans

“Justice League vs. Teen Titans” is now available on Digital HD, and will arrive on Blu-ray Deluxe Edition, Blu-ray Combo Pack and DVD on April 12, 2016.  In the following exclusive clip from Justice League vs. Teen Titans, Trigon Appears to Raven.  Raven is shown in her first encounter in the film with her demonic father Trigon … and some of his demon minion.  Raven is voiced by Taissa Farmiga (American Horror Story) and Trigon is voiced by Jon Bernthal (The Walking Dead, Daredevil).

 

JLvTT-Raven-Trigon-1

 

JLvTT-Trigon-close

Tracer Gets a Leg up in New Pose

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Tracer Pin Up Pose
Bombs away!

 

Tanner Banks, April 7, 2016, at 9:04 p.m.


Rejoice, my fellow gamers! The Tracer pose controversy has seen the light! Bask in the bounty that our savior Blizzard has bequeathed to us, for it shows bright days ahead. Before I get accused of blasphemy I’ll go ahead and say that the Overwatch team knocked this one out of the park. Ever since this whole stupid controversy started, Blizzard has been caught in the middle of two groups that seem to be offended by anything.

What started as a simple criticism over a rather mundane pose became an all-out shitstorm. With people slinging poo all over the place, with nasty words like “censorship” or “over-sexualized,” Blizzard’s team was put in a place nobody wants to be. If they removed the pose they’d be seen as bowing down to the easily offended minority. If they kept it, they’d be seen as willing to sexualize anybody just because they’re female.

They decided that it would be better to take out the pose and replace it with something else. This was met with anger by the side claiming censorship. They believed their voice was being ignored in favor of a vocal minority. The controversy and ridiculousness only amped up from there as Blizzard quietly stepped away. When they came back with the new pose though, they answered all the critics  with a middle finger pointed every which way.

Those cheeky bastards at Blizzard decided to get tongue-in-cheek about the whole controversy. They told the censor haters that they run the show, and they told the puritans that if Tracer’s ass-ets are shown, it’s their choice. The pose itself is based off a pin-up shot, which were commonly painted onto warplanes during WWII. Now the great thing about the pose is that it addresses what the original criticism, while making fun on the ensuing controversy.

The original pose was said to be “out of character” and not fitting her “spunky” attitude. With Tracer’s origin story describing her as a former pilot, she’d have to know about pin-ups like this. And as someone whose body “seems to be comprised of 95% spunk,” Tracer would probably have a little fun about this situation as well.

The pose itself is fun, relevant to the character, and keeps the  controversial derriere right there.

I’ll be the first to say I was probably a little harsh on Blizzard about bowing down to the calls for change. And man, this is why Blizzard makes games while I just write about them. The pose is an absolute improvement over the original, and they’ve managed to keep Tracer’s character intact while having fun with the situation.

Good job Blizzard, you kicked ass on this one.

Video Games headed to Wall Street

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Wall Street or Wario Street?
Credit: Nintendo

Written by Tanner Banks, April 6, 2016


Let’s a-go! Mario is leaving the Mushroom Kingdom and Luigi for the New York Stock Exchange and Gordon Gecko. If you haven’t been watching the news, you’re in for a shocker: video games are big money these days. Wall Street seems to be looking for some golden coins, with the latest ETF by PureFunds, the PureFunds Video Game Tech ETF (GAMR). Now you can tell your family that you aren’t wasting your life playing video games (you’re not anyways), you’re just researching volatile, high-yield index funds. When you think about it, you aren’t duking it out with Master Chief or Jak and Daxter, you’re going up with Bill Gates and Kazuo Hirai (CEO of Sony).

The gaming industry is big. Like trending towards $100 billion big. There’s a reason why companies like Amazon have stepped into the fray, purchasing Twitch for $1 billion, and releasing the Amazon Lumberyard engine. Video games are truly a facet of nearly every piece of life. Video games are becoming professional and collegiate sports. It’s been in education for over a decade now, and the military has an odd fascination with duct taping Playstations together to make super computers. Heck, Facebook ruined bought the Oculus Rift for quite the pretty penny. Why? Because video games are dimes.

So what does GAMR look like? Eighty percent of the 36 different funds are made up of gaming companies. The top 10 companies comprise about 55 percent of the volume of the ETF, with Activision (9.46%), NCSoft, a South Korean company (5.85%), and Konami (5.72%) rounding out the top three. Other companies involved include Square Enix, Nintendo, GameStop, and *shudders* Ubisoft. So why pick up this ETF and not just invest in them individually? Because roller coasters are fun at the park, but not when you’re investing. Individual companies are volatile, while the industry is growing steadily. High profit margins and a continuously growing market are the key to GAMR.

As for PureFunds, here’s a snippet from their website about the index fund:

Exciting trends such as the shift to digital distribution of software, proliferation of HD and 4K displays, cloud content and streaming, virtual/augmented reality, motion tracking, episodic content, and diversified monetization models, are stimulating innovation and offer expanded opportunities for entertainment, education, simulation, and other game tech applications.

This index fund looks like it will be more of an entry into the investment world for gamers, and an entry into gaming for investors. With so much value tied into so few assets though, and a .75 percent expense ratio, it could be cheaper to do the index fund yourself. (Investing note: percent expense ratio is fancy talk for what a company charges you to maintain the fund.)

If you’re looking to get into the ETF world, this isn’t a bad choice, and as of April 4th, it’s trading at $26.48. It’s fairly affordable, the first of its kind, and you can brag you own dozens of gaming companies to your buds while you’re out for drinks. If you don’t feel like doing your own portfolio, there are certainly worse choices.

Scream 4 slasher movie review

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Title: Scream 4
Director: Wes Craven
Writer: Kevin Williamson
Release Date: April 11th, 2011
Cast: Neve Campbell, Courteney Cox, David Arquette, Emma Roberts, Hayden Panettiere

Scream 4 Cliff’s Notes

A decade after the events of Scream 3, a new Ghostface attempts to stage a remake of the series. First on the chopping block are Sidney and the original crew. Luckily for us, Sid’s still has a little fight in her.

Scream 4 Ghostface

Lecture

There’s a ton of Scream 4 that feels like going home. Woodsboro is still a welcoming place, and the folks who call it home seem like old friends. Dewey’s older, calmer, but still as hapless as ever; meanwhile, Gale has- reluctantly- moved into a supportive role. And Sid has finally found the peace she was looking for. The world seems to be alright. I feel at home!

Of course, once the Scream-styled shenanigans kick off, things don’t handle quiet as well. The movie seems to move so quickly, scenes don’t breathe, and the plot rushes from point to point. Part of the joy of Scream was how we got to experience not only the scares, but the effect of the scares as well. We see Casey Becker’s parents find her; watch as Dewey struggles through his recovery, and the loss of his sister; and see the toll that surviving has on Sidney.

Scream takes its horror movie awesomeness and brings it into the real world. That means that the characters are drawn in three wonderful dimensions and we root for them the entire time. Here, the lack of build and breath means that we’re jumping from one part to another, new characters are either immediately likable – Panettiere’s Kirby and Erik Knudsen’s Robbie are winners – or stuck up and bland – Robert’s Jill doesn’t really hit until the third act and Nico Tortorella’s Trevor had it coming. Furthermore, as the body count climbs, I didn’t feel that loss. I could care less if some of these clowns didn’t make it, and that makes the movie weaker.

Luckily, Scream 4 has a major saving grace. Once the third act hits, this puppy slides into full Scream gear and we’re thrust right back where we belong. The tension is high, the scares are well crafted and executed, and the hour plus of set up finally comes to fruition. Scream 4 skirts around the remake issue, finally embracing it in the third act and breaks into the series most impressive metaphors since the first flick. Were Scream 2 falters in the end, Scream 4 picks up steam and is, ultimately, more successful because of it.

Scream 4 acting example

Acting

Campbell, Cox, and Arquette are back and just as wonderful as ever. The new cast is a little more hit or miss. Panettiere fairs the best, and is easily the most likable of the new characters, but the others ain’t awful. The trouble is that the script doesn’t do any of these folks any favors. Alas.

Directing

Craven’s last go round – R.I.P. by the way – is a solid effort. He manages to match the Scream style with the more current trends while crafting a few groovy bits. Sure, the first two acts seem a little over done –can’t win them all – but Scream light is still pretty awesome. And once act three hits, all is well!

Script

The return of Williamson is a welcome return to the Scream of old. While the ideas at hand may work a little better on paper than they do in practice, the metaphors here are all kinds of fun. And, as always, the dialogue is fantastic.

Effects

Ghostface is all kinds of pissed off in this one! Besides the standard stabbings and gunshots (one in the crotch, mind you!) we get a strand of intestines, blood splashes, and a heck of a beating.

Highlights

Sure, we only really get one Ghostface call, but the Killer/Panettiere showdown is fantastic. The entire movie builds to it beautifully and the execution is fantastic.

Lowlights

I really didn’t jive to the police characters, Dewey notwithstanding. Anthony Anderson and Adam Brody are both questionable as cops while Marley Shelton’s Deputy Judy is grating.

Final Thoughts

Sure, it’s not perfect, but the return to the world of Scream is a welcome breath of fresh air. The ideas might be a touch too cerebral to hit fully, but fact of the matter is that the Scream series has always been a fantastic comment on the world of horror and Scream 4 is no exception. It’s a scream, baby!

Grade: B

 

Almighty Thor Mockbuster

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Almighty Thor poster

Written by Evan Purcell, April 5, 2016, at 7:00 p.m.

Every Tuesday, we’ll take a look at another mockbuster from the company that brought you Snakes on a Train, Transmorphers, and Alien vs. Hunter. This week, things get heroic with Almighty Thor


Almighty Thor came out in 2011, the day after the first Marvel Thor movie hit theaters with its mighty, phallic hammer. It’s been on the Syfy Channel a bunch of times since then, sharing its many low-budget charms with the millions of stoners and insomniacs who watch Syfy Channel in the middle of the night. Keep in mind, however, that this movie should not be confused with Thor: Hammer of the Gods, another Syfy Channel movie that shares the same plot, characters, and themes with Almighty Thor. That one starred the oldest brother from Home Improvement, and this one… does not.

As you might expect, Almighty Thor follows our titular Norse god on an epic hero’s journey. After his father and brother are murdered, he’s tasked with keeping the Hammer of Invincibility away from Loki, who wants to use the hammer to destroy the Tree of Life. The hammer was forged inside the tree (as hammers often are), and is the only thing capable of killing it and destroying the world.

Our hero is played by Cody Deal, who was never on Home Improvement, and he seems a little too surfer-dude for the role. For most of the movie, he’s not particularly almighty. It doesn’t help that he keeps losing fights and running away from Loki.

Loki, thank God, is played by Richard Grieco, an aging star who invests the role with both enthusiasm and discomfort. He walks around with a giant, magic bone and summons CGI hellhounds whenever the movie starts to lag. He’s either covered in pancake makeup, or that’s just what he looks like now. Basically, he’s the single best thing about this film.

The rest of the acting is pretty memorable. Thor’s father Odin (now with two eyes and zero vocal inflections) talks like Zordon, the giant head in a tube from Power Rangers. He’s very Shatnerian in his ability to add random pauses in the middle of his dialogue. Here’s a sample: “I have dreamt… of the stars in the sky… turning black. What does this mean?” He sounds less like a Norse god and more like a robot grappling with human words for the first time. My personal favorite moment in the entire film is when Odin thinks that Thor has died. He pauses, looks at his feet, and then whines, “I wanted to die… with both my sons.” It’s a master class in what not to do when a camera is pointing at you.

Odin’s older son doesn’t leave as big an impression, but he has a pretty great death scene: “Give Thor a chance… to change… our fate.” As you can see, awkward pauses seem to run in the family.

Thor’s partner-in-arms is a Valkyrie-trained warrior named Jarnsaxa. She’s played by Patricia Velasquez, whom you may know from The Mummy Returns. She’s a Venezuelan actress, which might explain why some of her lines sound a little off. Now, I’m not talking about her accent (although it is pretty adorable that she pronounces “Asgard” like “Ass-Curd”). I’m talking about sentences that you’d expect an ESL student to say during a book report.

At one point, she says, “We must to get to the training camp.” Later on, she shouts, “You almost lost a hammer!” as if Thor had a bunch of Hammers of Invincibility lying around, and he happened to misplace one of them. She also says “parameter” instead of “perimeter.” (Not to be outdone, though, Richard Grieco mispronounces “escape” twice, so there’s that.) These are easily remedied mistakes, but a movie like this probably only had one or two takes to get things right, so if the dialogue was close enough, they just kept going.

Of course, the rest of the dialogue isn’t exactly Shakespearean. (It doesn’t even have that fake-Shakespeare gloss of the Marvel movie.) The whole script feels like it was written by a teenage boy who’s still grappling with the mysteries of his changing body. Let me give you some sample dialogue, and you can see how ridiculously phallic everything sounds:

Feel the power of the hammer!”

“Think of it as the shaft of a spear.”

“I swing hard enough.”

“I want you to taste the bitterness of my rise to power!”

“The power of the bone… is the only thing that can release them.”

I mean, come on! That has got to be intentional, right? No Hollywood screenwriter would write dialogue like that without secretly chuckling to himself. I can’t even imagine what Sigmund Freud would think of this movie. He’d probably be chain-smoking his cigars by the film’s climax, when Thor and Loki smash their hammers together until sparks shoot everywhere.

The story itself is pretty nonsensical. People are randomly opening and closing portals without explaining why or how. Thor and his friend transport to the real world for about 10 minutes, before transporting back to Generic God-Land. We don’t know how Loki escaped from Hell or how Thor can switch dimensions. All the characters have superpowers, but no one explains what they are. Thor can jump over tall fences. Loki can bring back the dead, but not really. It’s very, very inconsistent.

But then there are moments when the movie seems to over-explain things for no reason. For example, Loki somehow knows that Odin gave Thor some vital information on his deathbed. To explain how he knows this, Loki says, “Your father spoke to you with his last breath. I can smell it.” Thank you, screenwriters. Now everything makes perfect sense.

Perhaps the most frustrating part of all of this is that the characters’ goals seem to change from one scene to another. The most obvious example is when Thor and Jarnsaxa start walking through a cave on their way to the Tree of Life. Thor tells her to wait behind, and she says she has to go with him. We cut to Loki for about 10 seconds, and when we get back to the cave, Jarnsaxa tells Thor, “You must go alone.” Did any of the filmmakers notice how inconsistent this was?

The rest of the movie has the same problem. Odin tells Thor that the hammer will appear at the next full moon. If he doesn’t retrieve it, the hammer will be lost forever. A few scenes later, Thor gets the hammer and no one mentions full moons ever again. Thor is constantly switching his mind between hiding and fighting. Odin and Jarnsaxa do the same. Toward the end of the movie, Thor decides to stay on Earth so he can protect it from Loki, but he’d only been on Earth for a few minutes and hadn’t interacted with any humans while he was there. (Except for a mugger. The only human with a speaking part is a generic mugger.) So why did Thor suddenly change his plans? No idea.

Everything leads to (spoiler alert) one of the most bugnuts crazy climaxes in any Asylum film. After losing his magic hammer, Thor goes down to Hell and starts punching lava until his fists create a new hammer. Then he goes back up to Earth somehow. Loki, meanwhile, hits the Tree of Life with his own hammer, thus starting the apocalypse. We see stock footage of wilting flowers, so we know that the world is being destroyed. Loki and Thor fight with their hammers and Thor wins (of course). Then the Tree of Life fixes itself for no reason and about a dozen extras gather around Thor to show their gratitude. If you don’t have the stomach to watch this entire film, please just watch the last ten minutes. It will be seared into your brain for eternity.

At every turn, Almighty Thor is aggressively charming in its cheapness. It’s the kind of movie that flashes back to scenes that happened less than a minute before. It has action scenes where extras run in literal circles because there’s not enough space on their tiny sets. The fight choreography is so badly staged that I couldn’t tell if Loki punches Odin in the balls. (I rewound the movie about four times, and the jury’s still out.) This entire movie is the dictionary definition of “direct to DVD.”

There’s a definite thrill in watching a low-budget movie embrace its total lack of money, but my favorite thing about Almighty Thor is just how weird it is. How can you hate a movie that has a scene where characters touch a wall and chant “gateway” until it turns into a gateway? How can you hate a movie where a Norse god wears a trench coat over his Viking clothes and runs through downtown LA until Richard Grieco summons hellhounds with his giant bone? I assume the filmmakers knew they were making something dumb and weird, and they just went for it 100 percent. They swung for the fences (with their big ol’ hammers) and this was the result. All hail Almighty Thor, the perfect mockbuster.

***

Evan Purcell is the headmaster of a tiny private school in Zanzibar. In addition to writing mildly condescending reviews of bad films, he also writes everything from romance novels to horror stories. Check out his blog and Amazon author page. And in the meantime, be careful where you swing your hammer!

Catching up with No Man’s Sky

No Man’s Sky header

April 4, 2016, at 8:30 p.m.


Hello Game’s ambitious spacefaring sandbox game No Man’s Sky is almost upon us. Set for release on all the major systems and PC on June 21st of this year, the game has made quite the splash in the time since its announcement. If you’re unfamiliar, then here’s a quick rundown of what you can expect from this upcoming galactic exploration adventure.

On the exploration side of things, Hello Games have promised a massive 18 quintillion fully explorable planets that, for the most part, are unique in one way or another. On your journey through the cosmos, you’ll discover new worlds, craft new items, and hopefully run into some people every now and then. And with such a massive scope, meeting people from the real world has been said to be both uncommon and enthralling.

Though No Man’s Sky will lack the in-depth building mechanics found in games like Minecraft, players will be able to get their hands dirty in creating a space that is fully their own. You also have first claim on any planet you touch down on first. One of the biggest draws for the game may be its MMO-style take on what you can spend your time doing while in the game. Some players might be less interested in scouring planets one after another, so NMS boasts a variety of cool side missions and tasks to keep you busy.

No Man’s Sky gameplay image

No Man’s Sky looks to turn the genres of sandbox and survival games on their heads. Unlike most survival games, No Man’s Sky isn’t playing by the rules. Players won’t have to spend most of their time running around on small islands and rubbing two sticks together for a fire (looking at you, Rust). Instead players will be dropped onto their own planet where the only objective is the one you create for yourself.

Not to say that NMS has no objectives. The main “quest,” if you will, is straight out of Ready Player One, where you and every player in the game must race to the very center of this virtual galaxy. Players who reach this end game will be thoroughly rewarded, though the team has been fairly tight lipped about the specifics of this aspect of the game. Managing director Sean Murray has dropped a few new ideas regarding it, as well as how combat with factor into your exploration.

According to Polygon’s brief hands-on with the game, the combat, though not the main focus, won’t be anything to scoff at. And players will have to bring their A game when confronting both NPCs and real life rivals.

So far, No Man’s Sky is shaping up quite nicely for fans of sandbox games, space sims, and even shooters. And with years of planned expansions, patches, and ongoing events, everyone is sure to find something to love.

Metal Warriors

Metal Warriors for SNES

Written by James Welch, April 4, 2016, at 4:40 p.m.


 

Another giant robot game? Yes, sir! If you were one of the poor unfortunate folks who took the time to read my BattleTech review, you’ll know that I love me some giant robots. What’s more awesome than diabolically piloting an 85-ton metallic monstrosity and devilishly demolishing your opposition with utter abandon? Not much if I do say so myself… and I do.

This time around, I am steering away from BattleTech, and headed towards a little known Konami gem by the name of Metal Warriors. Metal Warriors is what would happen if Yoshiyuki Tomino was assigned to design Clan Jade Falcon mechs. Yes, I am talking about a level of geek coolness that defies imagination. If I were to sum up Metal Warriors in a single word, it would be amazastupendificent. Too much? Probably, but this game is worth me making a word up for it.

MetalWarriors_1

Metal Warriors was released in 1995 by Konami for the SNES and developed by LucasArts. The game itself is a side-scrolling action-platformer, eerily similar to another Konami game: Cybernator. Cybernator takes place in NCS Corp’s Assault Suit Universe. Surprisingly, this game, despite its graphical and gameplay similarities to Cybernator, bears no relation to that game or even that series. In fact, while the Assault Suit series is very popular in Japan, Metal Warriors never saw a Japanese release. Metal Warriors was released exclusively here in good ol’ North America.

That is too bad, because the rest of the world was effectively robbed of one of the SNES’s greatest games, and everyone was robbed of a potential sequel or sequels that could have followed.

Graphics-wise, Metal Warriors is one of the most graphically impressive games ever released for Nintendo’s 16-bit powerhouse. Colorful robots, in two delicious shades of pink and purple (hey, they needed to use the remaining colors for all the cool stuff in the game), battle against an entire enemy army of purple robots. OK, well maybe the colors are a bit underwhelming at first glance, but there are other graphical inclusions in this game that more than make up for it.

To start, there are some Gundam-inspired anime cut scenes that drop you right into the story and keep you tuned in between missions. Watching your pilot power up his mech, and fly off to attack the Dark Axis powers in the game’s intro was like watching an episode of Robotech. The cut scenes aren’t the only thing awesome about the game’s graphics.

The levels are destructible in many places, and mechs show damage. Since there are no visible user interface or health bars to be seen, you instead have to rely on the visible damage your robot shows. This begins as a slight darkening of color, but the more damage you sustain, the darker it grows. When your mech is near death, it will turn almost completely gray and sparks will fly from it. This is your cue to hop from your robot and seek out another one.

Metal Warriors

If graphics in Metal Warriors were a car, they would be a 1963 Corvette Stingray.

While the graphics are great, it’s the gameplay that makes Metal Warriors truly stand out among it’s peers. While side-scrolling action platformers may have comprised a good chunk of the SNES library, Metal Warriors added a few features that make it unique in the genre. First off, you can leave your robot at any time and commandeer another. If your robot is too heavily damaged, it is often in your best interests to eject and seek out another mech to pilot. While each level has it’s own mechs hidden throughout for you to find, oftentimes they are better equipped to handle the current mission’s objectives than your own.

Speaking of other mechs, there are six additional mechs to use against the Dark Axis’ forces. These range from your own mech, the Nitro, which is equipped with a beam sabre, an energy shield, and a jetpack (to go along with his hand cannon), to the Juggernaut-like Prometheus, which uses a giant cannon and a flamethrower to dish out extreme amounts of punishment.

You can try all of the different mechs in the Multiplayer mode, which is a split screen 1v1, PvP battle, letting you choose the combatants and battling on different worlds. It’s a blast, and just another one of the reasons that Metal Warriors is one of the system’s best games. The gameplay? Nothing gimmicky here: 10 out of 10, A+, gaming nirvana. ‘Nuff said.

The music and sound effects are amazing as well. I would like to go out on a limb and say that the original soundtrack (OST) of Metal Warriors is the best non-Square OST on the SNES. I’m serious, it’s freakin’ phenomenal. I don’t even need to go on a tirade here. If you dig video game OSTs, then this is a must have.

So again, you get to read one of my fanboy rants about a game that every SNES aficionado should be playing. Metal Warriors is a must have. It looks great, it plays great and it sounds great. Get this game before the price goes up even further (I paid $200 for my copy), and go kick some Dark Axis.

Girl of the Week Taneisha Shaw

Girl of the Week

April 3, 2016, at 3:05 p.m.

 

Measurements (Bust, waist, hips): 33, 28, 44

Favorite band or musical act.: Brandy, Rihanna, Biggie

Movie that scared you the most or your favorite video game?: The Blair Witch Project freaked me out the first time I watched it.

Truth or dare?: I’m spontaneous

Tell us about your hobbies or the worst date you ever went on.: listening to music, vintage shopping, writing poetry

Instagram: Instagram.com/modeltshaw

Model Mayhem: Modelmayhem.com/modeltshaw

Twitter: twitter.com/modeltshaw

DOOM multiplayer beta

DOOM multiplayer lobby
DOOM multiplayer lobby

April 3, 2016, at 2:10 p.m.


I had the chance to play the new DOOM multiplayer beta recently, and here are some of my thoughts, insights, and concerns.

DOOM Multiplayer Beta Gameplay

Starting things off, while the game is loading, it prompts you to let you know that your health does not auto regenerate and that you need to find health on the map. It shows right away that it’s catering to a younger Call of Duty audience who may not be familiar with the concept of finding health packs.

One benefit to this is that it keeps the action going at a fast pace, as there is no time to “hide out” while your health restores. Couple this with the non-addition of a run button, as you’re always moving at a moderately fast rate, giving that game a more Unreal Tournament feel to it.

To help bring them into the new age, hack modules and load-outs are commonplace throughout the game. The load-outs includes armor plating supply timers and vital signs along with a plethora of others for you to choose from and unlock as you level up throughout your play time. These can be equipped before the game and then chosen right after death, and are active at the start of your respawn.

When shooting an enemy, numbers fly off of them indicating some of the hits points you have take away. This feels a little odd at first but after a few games becomes somewhat normal. One of the highlights of the multiplayer beta is the addition of being able to control a Revenant character, this badass has two rocket launchers attached to his shoulders, along with an extra bundle of health. Every two minutes, the Revenant icon will appear and the first person to snag it gets their chance to control this monster.

DOOM Plasma Rifle
DOOM Plasma Rifle

The overall look of the level design does manage to capture that classic DOOM/Quake feel, although the character design looks like it was ripped straight from the HALO series. Now that all this time has passed since a DOOM game has been released, it’s easy to forget that DOOM had the space marine concept first.

Also, in regards to the weapons, there is no reload button – I repeat, there is no reload button – to gain more ammo. You simply must find it scattered across the map, along with your health and armor pickups.

Familiar items returned since quad damage and they are satisfying as ever, dueling out a point blank shot with a double barrel shotgun and watching your enemy explode into little giblets. However, when quad damage is not activated, it feels rather weak when doing out damage at enemies. It almost gives off the feel of shooting a marshmallow as opposed to shooting another person in the game in that it’s rather soft.

Conclusion

Overall, I must say that the beta does feel unbalanced and I did experience lag issues a bit. Many times, I would be involved in a shootout and would be killed by a melee attack when the shooter, would from my perspective, not be anywhere near me (at least five feet away).  This is bare bones multiplayer for sure. No upgrades for your weapons, no radar, and no reload button… You do have a double jump, though.  Hopefully this will be something that is corrected in time when the game releases this upcoming May 13th.

Are you all excited about DOOM? Do you have any fears or concerns? Let me know in the comments below.

Angry people butt in on Tracer in Overwatch

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tracer-victory-pose-2-over-the-shoulder
Hey, is there something on my shoulder?

What’s the phrase? Damned if you do, damned if you don’t? Well that’s probably how the folks over at Blizzard feel right now. Eight days ago, beta tester “Fipps” did exactly what they’re supposed to do when beta testing. Leave feedback. Specifically Fipps left feedback on one of the victory poses for the character Tracer, where she’s got her back to the screen and looking over the shoulder. In fact, the pose is literally called “Over the Shoulder.” To Fipps it was overly sexual and out of character.

Below is a part of the post which you can read in full by clicking here.

“…let’s talk about Tracer. From a marketing standpoint, she’s the star of the show. She’s a great hero. When we look at the way she’s portrayed in promotional media, lore, and art in game we know a few things about her..

She’s Fast.
She’s Silly.
She’s Kind.
She’s a good Friend.
Her body seems to be comprised of about 95% spunk.”

Fipps goes on to praise the build up around Tracer’s design, poses, and animation. After that they accused the pose above to be out of character, pointlessly sexual, and a continuation in the trend of pointlessly sexualizing every female character in video games. For a while, it’s a normal civil conversation between the beta testers; Fipps clarifies that the comments weren’t trying to be “sex-negative,” and that stuff like that for more obviously sexual characters like Widowmaker and D.va, because it fit the characters.

From my perspective, it doesn’t look like anything other than a common pose. Besides, if people don’t like it, there are other poses available.

Overwatch-Tracer-04
Isn’t she just a little ball of sunshine?

Later on the director of the game Jeff Kaplan came out and responded:

“We’ll replace the pose. We want *everyone* to feel strong and heroic in our community. The last thing we want to do is make someone feel uncomfortable, under-appreciated or misrepresented,” he wrote. “Apologies and we’ll continue to try to do better.”

After that, people came out of the woodwork for this one. (Sorry if we’re too late to the boat!) On the boards it was mostly against Fipps, who some accused of being a shrill SJW Tumblrina. In a later comment, Fipps specifically mentioned not being female or a Tumblr user. 

Once the poo-flinging started, Jeff came back with a pretty lengthy response. The most important part, in my opinion, came in the middle with:

“We actually already have an alternate pose that we love and we feel speaks more to the character of Tracer. We weren’t entirely happy with the original pose, it was always one that we wrestled with creatively. That the pose had been called into question from an appropriateness standpoint by players in our community did help influence our decision—getting that kind of feedback is part of the reason we’re holding a closed beta test—but it wasn’t the only factor.”

Personally, I call bullshit. Not about having other poses ready; some speculate that it was nothing more than a placeholder pose because most characters have it. What I do think is bullshit is if you like another pose better, then put that one in first. And if you, the game designer, are not entirely happy with the pose, don’t include it. Or, if you’re not sure, post some of the “iffy” poses on the message boards you created and have people give feedback. 

Social media arguments were being thrown every which way. Some said that it wasn’t sexual at all. Some said that it shouldn’t matter if it is sexual. Some said that it was awesome that it was sexual. Others said that it was unnecessary fan service. Others said that it was a dumb pose in general. Some said the whole issue was stupid. I agree on the last one. Regardless, this has gotten out of hand very fast.

Blizzard actually had to start locking threads and allegedly deleting posts about it on the subreddit. Speaking of Reddit, there are two large camps that I’ve seen on this issue. Reddit and Tumblr. (What a surprise…) Regardless, the main arguments that I’ve seen are, “This is stupid censorship because of SJWs! They’re trying to ruin the fun!” and “Shut up, you fat neckbeards! It’s just a pose and it doesn’t matter!”

On the whole, I’ll restate that I don’t think the pose is bad. What I do think is bad is the way the community has dealt with the situation as a whole. The majority seems to be against removing the pose, looking at the message boards, Reddit comments, and tweets that I’ve seen have been against the deletion of the pose. Videos have been made mocking the situation. One women explained how she felt empowered by it.

Basically, everyone is freaking out about what should have been nothing. Blizzard should be applauded for listening to the feedback, regardless of if its positive or negative feedback. It means they’re listening. And here’s the thing: just because people are in the minority, that doesn’t make their opinions invalid. And if a developer chooses to change it, it’s the developer’s choice.

Do I think that the Overwatch team really had a problem with it? No, not at all. My best bet is that they saw the potential controversy and wanted to nip it in the bud. There’s just one big problem about it. No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, people are going to bitch about it. If it wasn’t for Fipps’ complaint, it probably would have been replaced, explained as a placeholder and there’d be no controversy. It’s a damn shame too, because the amount of work and care that the team has put into this game is amazing. There’s great variety in the characters, its gameplay is good and easy to pick up, it looks gorgeous, etc.

If it were me, I would have removed it as well, but I’d own up to it and directly say I was avoiding controversy. I think Fipps had the right idea and wanted to provide what they thought was constructive feedback, but worded it wrong. I think Jeff and the rest of Blizzard had the right idea and wanted to make sure that everyone’s voice was valid, and were put in a bad situation. The communities, however, have taken a really promising game and made it about a really stupid controversy. Because at the end of the day, it’s an ass.

Best of luck, Blizzard. You’re going to need it.

 

100 Greatest One-Liners: Before The Kill

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100 Greatest One-Liners: Before The Kill

 

Jeff Grettler gave the guys at Burger Fiction a great idea. The hundred greatest one lines before the kill.  These epic moments are what many 70’s and 80’s action films were known for.  Although they are now clichés, there was something special about a cringe-worthy one-liner, delivered just before the bloody climax.  They were awful.  They were goofy.  They were AWESOME!

How many of these do you remember?  We suggest you create an irresponsible drinking game while you watch this awesome compilation video with your friends.  Here are some ideas to get you going:

Every time Arnold comes on the screen you have to take a shot.

Non-shooting kill = 1 shot.

OMG… wait minute, if you tried this you would prolly die from alcohol poisoning.  So on second thought, don’t do that.  Just sit back and enjoy the heydays of block buster action films.  Where a bad ass dirty cop, with a moral code, can point a 357 Magnum hand cannon at a sniveling criminal on the ground and say, “Go ahead.  Make my day.”   Sigh…. what has happened to movies these days.

Great job guys.  Well done and THANK YOU!

How to masturbate without getting caught

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Time to choke the chicken.

racheal-ray-jerking-corn-cob-o_zpskob5wit1

Spank the monkey. Rub one out.  This list could go on forever, and every new generation of guys adds their own spin to the list.  Now that streaming HD porn is common place in a young man’s life, it’s only natural that he’ll discover… ahem, himself. While you may have to be a child of the 80s to remember the famous scene in Fast Times at Ridgemont High, let me enlighten you who don’t recall it. Basically, while peeping on his sister’s extremely sexy friend in the pool (Phoebe Cates), Judge Reinholdt day  dreams about her coming out of the water topless. When he is furiously beating the head off his manhood, the two worlds collide and she walks in on just as he is about to climax.

Awkward.

So, how can you make sure this doesn’t happen to you? Here are five stalwart tips to keep your dignity when you ain’t got no GF but Rosie and her five sisters.

How to masturbate without getting caught:

5. The only way to absolutely be sure you won’t get caught flogging the log is… Don’t do it. Whoa. Extreme? No so. The recoil against porn addiction, AKA “NO FAP,” has been catching on, and more guys across the country are going without. In related news, there has been a much higher percentage of reports about blue balls.

4. The hour of shower power. If you have roommates and can’t get any privacy in the bedroom, maybe it’s time to take it to the showers. Pro Tip: Don’t let all the hot water run out, or you’ll be greeting a ice cold boner killer. Oh yeah, and you’re not the only one who thought of this, so why do you think that drain in the dorms is running at a snails pace.  Gross, right?

3. Sock that cock. Like a famous comedian once said, “I was told that one tablespoon of sperm contains the power to create tens of thousands of people. Then I realized, I’ve wiped entire civilizations off my chest with a tube sock.” Nothing more needs to be said. You don’t need a freakin’ manual. Use your imagination and you’ll figure it out.

how to masturbate without getting caught: lock the door like a smart person2.  Lock the door. Common sense isn’t so common, said the wise man. So, if nature calls and you just can’t focus on studying for that big test before you see some big boobies, be smart. Think with your big head. Wait till everyone in your house is gone and for Pete’s sake at least take the basic precaution of locking the door before you head to your favorite adult site. Pro-tip: DELETE THE HISTORY ON YOUR BROWSER.

1. Get a girlfriend and realize that sex is way better in two player mode. Pardon the video game analogy, but wether it’s co-op or alternating play, sex has always (by nature) been a two player sport. For many people, a healthy relationship contains the very acts of intimacy that masturbation simulates. So, instead of taking matters into your own hands, why not spend the time, energy and effort to build something meaningful? If you do, this story just might have a “happy ending.”


Thanks for reading and we hope you take this story lightheartedly. Does Slickster Magazine pander to it’s audience? You’re damn right it does. So click here to see our award winning Girl of the Week feature. If you’re still here after that, please come back and visit often.