April 29th, 2016 at 7:30 p.m. – Long before Decker was saving the president, Macgruber was the best special agent ever. Macgruber taught us many things, the throat rip being one of the most prominent. However, he also taught us the upper decker. What exactly is an upper-decker you ask? It has nothing to do with baseball and you won’t get to first base if you do this at your girlfriend’s house.
How to do an Upper Decker
Upper Decker, as explained by Macgruber, is when you shit in the water holding tank of a toilet. The most appropriate time to do this is when you’re at a really lame party and the host or hostess is being a raging fucking asshole. What follows is a step by step guide to pulling this maneuver off, and how to get away with it.
Step 1 – You’re at the party and things are not going well.
In order to amuse yourself, go ahead and eat all of the hors d’oeuvres. All of them. This will be important for sheer volume of the upper decker. The nastier the hors d’oeuvres, the better the upper decker, is a great rule of thumb. So, go for those oysters and Limburger cheese balls. When in doubt, greasy food works best and washing it down with a red Solo cup of cheap draft beer can also lubricate the process.
Step 2 – Reconnaissance and preparation for ducking out.
Once the party gets into a swing you will need to gather everything you need to make a quick dash to the master bathroom toilet. This isn’t a time to check your Facebook messages so leave the cell phone behind unless you want to capture video evidence for bragging rights. Again, you won’t have time to read the Sunday paper so make sure you are ready to go when it’s time to go. Try to do some reconnaissance before. A great technique is to feign like you are looking for the coat room. if someone questions what you are doing snooping around, tell them, “I left my phone in my coat. I was looking for the coat room.”
Step 3 – Make a distraction and head to the bathroom target.
An entire book could be written on the best diversion tactics. This may be a place where you need an accomplice. For example, staging a phony fight with your girlfriend, then you take it to the back room. No one will bother you if they think you are fighting with your girlfriend. Another tactic you may try is suggesting a beer run. Say, “I’m going to get more beer will be back shortly“. Then no one will miss you. When you get back simply say, “I forgot my wallet.” That works every time. Once you have escaped the monotony of boring small talk and stupid shenanigans, like the fucking 15th time your friends want to play Cards Against Humanity, immediately make your way to the bathroom.
Step 4 – Secure the bathroom and prepare for the delivery.
Lock the door. Carefully and quietly removed the lid to the water storage tank on the toilet. It’s best to use a hand towel if possible or place it on a bath mat on the floor. Don’t give yourself away with any excess noise. Once you are secure and the reception is open for business, it’s time to go Penguin Style with your pants. Ladies in mini skirts, or kilt-wearing Scotsman will have a speed advantage here. Also for the ladies, be sure to remove any stilettos before attempting to mount the upper decker delivery platform.
Step 5 – Quickly, but carefully, mount the water holding tank on the rear of the toilet.
Assume full Japanese style Kamikaze bombs-away position. Remember, you will likely be extraordinarily intoxicated on the drug of your choice at this point. Safety First. Count backwards from 10, visualize your favorite Gilmore Girls episode, and let her rip. If there is a can of coconut potpourri nearby it’s better to proactively dump half of the aerosol can into the air. Remember, camouflage. Go, go, go! Download that brown load.
Step 6 – Now that you have successfully taken the Cleveland Browns to the Superbowl without Johnny Football Manziel, you need to make your escape.
Moving swift, like a crystalline ferret, slither off the back of the toilet. Pull your pants back up and now is an appropriate time to Snapchat a picture of this to your ex-wife’s new husband. Preferably, send it to his work email. Even better would be to send it to his bosses work email. You might have noticed that wiping behind your ass was not included in this step. You have no time. You have to get out, so skip that step.
Step 7 – Cover your tracks with any odor masking that you can, and head back to the party.
This is where your skills in ninjutsu will pay off. Using as much stealth as you can, quietly insert yourself back into the revelry. Don’t give yourself away now. Wipe the smirk off your face, and don’t smoke a cigarette. Splinter taught them to be ninja teens, and you can do it too.
Step 8 – Deny, deny, deny.
When the upper decker is eventually discovered there will be some finger pointing. Someone will have to take the fall. It’s not going to be you and if anyone tries to pin it on you remember to never admit fault. You will feel tempted to take pride in your massive achievement unlocking, but you must never tell anyone.
Congratulations! You have successfully completed upper decker training. Now get out there and go drop some bombs.