Time to choke the chicken.
Spank the monkey. Rub one out. This list could go on forever, and every new generation of guys adds their own spin to the list. Now that streaming HD porn is common place in a young man’s life, it’s only natural that he’ll discover… ahem, himself. While you may have to be a child of the 80s to remember the famous scene in Fast Times at Ridgemont High, let me enlighten you who don’t recall it. Basically, while peeping on his sister’s extremely sexy friend in the pool (Phoebe Cates), Judge Reinholdt day dreams about her coming out of the water topless. When he is furiously beating the head off his manhood, the two worlds collide and she walks in on just as he is about to climax.
Awkward.
So, how can you make sure this doesn’t happen to you? Here are five stalwart tips to keep your dignity when you ain’t got no GF but Rosie and her five sisters.
How to masturbate without getting caught:
5. The only way to absolutely be sure you won’t get caught flogging the log is… Don’t do it. Whoa. Extreme? No so. The recoil against porn addiction, AKA “NO FAP,” has been catching on, and more guys across the country are going without. In related news, there has been a much higher percentage of reports about blue balls.
4. The hour of shower power. If you have roommates and can’t get any privacy in the bedroom, maybe it’s time to take it to the showers. Pro Tip: Don’t let all the hot water run out, or you’ll be greeting a ice cold boner killer. Oh yeah, and you’re not the only one who thought of this, so why do you think that drain in the dorms is running at a snails pace. Gross, right?
3. Sock that cock. Like a famous comedian once said, “I was told that one tablespoon of sperm contains the power to create tens of thousands of people. Then I realized, I’ve wiped entire civilizations off my chest with a tube sock.” Nothing more needs to be said. You don’t need a freakin’ manual. Use your imagination and you’ll figure it out.
2. Lock the door. Common sense isn’t so common, said the wise man. So, if nature calls and you just can’t focus on studying for that big test before you see some big boobies, be smart. Think with your big head. Wait till everyone in your house is gone and for Pete’s sake at least take the basic precaution of locking the door before you head to your favorite adult site. Pro-tip: DELETE THE HISTORY ON YOUR BROWSER.
1. Get a girlfriend and realize that sex is way better in two player mode. Pardon the video game analogy, but wether it’s co-op or alternating play, sex has always (by nature) been a two player sport. For many people, a healthy relationship contains the very acts of intimacy that masturbation simulates. So, instead of taking matters into your own hands, why not spend the time, energy and effort to build something meaningful? If you do, this story just might have a “happy ending.”
Thanks for reading and we hope you take this story lightheartedly. Does Slickster Magazine pander to it’s audience? You’re damn right it does. So click here to see our award winning Girl of the Week feature. If you’re still here after that, please come back and visit often.